Once, in the dusky smudge of the morning, as I lay in bed half in the waking world and half of me still drifting over the inky blue hills of sleep, I felt the atmosphere around me thicken and close in an embrace. It was as if every molecule of air pushed up on its neighbor, breathing life into itself. It happened so quickly I had no time to do more than register it before it vanished.
Then it dawned on me it had been Jesi.
It was four months since she had passed into Spirit and the morning of the first birthday I celebrated without her. I say “celebrated” with reserve. For nothing is clear anymore. No day is completely carefree, no day completely black. There is always something to look forward to if I seek it… And there are always the moments of sadness, when I miss Jesi, her smile or her jaunty walk.
That birthday I carried with me a beautiful hand made card Jesi had presented me with the previous year. In fact, I gathered all the cards I could find in which she had wished me a happy birthday, all of them lovingly drawn and colored in her beautiful script. I carried them, pretending to myself that she was giving them to me again and again.
I have just “celebrated” another birthday. And for a number of days prior to turning 58 I told myself it wouldn’t happen again. For 365 days I had run and rerun that most exquisite moment, trying to recapture the feeling of her embrace, subtle and somehow warm, cosying me in my bed that cold January morning. But as the days turned toward my birthday this year the feverish chatter inside my head got louder. I want another hug… I want another hug… I know it won’t happen… But I so wish it would…
I know enough about the Spirit world to understand that one cannot expect or wish for things. One must leave it up to Spirit as to what one might receive. Spirit knows better than we do what we need. And we receive exactly what we need.
When I woke on the morning of my birthday, it was from a dream. Actually I had two dreams. But the one which sticks in my head now is the one in which I am sitting on a bus, or perhaps the carriage of a train. The seat beside me is vacant but when I look down the aisle, about ten or fifteen feet away, I watch Chris laughing and joking just as he would have done with his sisters. He is about the age he is now, a young man of twenty, short dark hair and sporting a four day growth above his upper lip, on his chin and along his jaw line. He is wearing the fleece jacket he bought at a thrift shop sometime last year, the one he wears most cold days. Kari is no where to be seen, but beside him, not laughing or interacting with him as she would have been in life, but sitting as still as an image in a photograph, is Jesi. She is wearing her grey felt hat, the one she always wore during her freshman year at high school. The last year she was healthy before the leukemia seeped back into her veins. She and Chris are facing the aisle, perpendicular to my seat. Jesi is staring straight out in front of her, “looking out.” She is sitting in between Chris and me.
Immediately I woke understood the meaning of the dream. The relevance of the distance between me and Chris, a young adult forging his own path in life. It made total sense that in Spirit Jesi could be close to him. And it made total sense Jesi was looking out for him. She would do that for her brother.
Later that day Chris shared with me a dream he had had that morning. And when he told me the effect it had had on him I was struck by how animated he was. I could’t help but think Jesi was somehow responsible.
Since my birthday, two weeks ago now, I have been convinced that Jesi has been trying to “come through to me.” I dreamt it only a couple of days later….
I was almost conscious, so much so that I believed I was not asleep. There was no image. Only a voice in my head saying “she is making a lot of effort to communicate.” That was all. Then I woke up and realized it was early morning and I was surrounded by the grey light of winter.
There were other signs too…
The morning after my birthday I woke with a migraine. I returned to bed after getting medication and pressed the button on my i-phone to check the time. I was feeling drowsy with sleep and the tight band of pain which stretched across my forehead. I stared into the phone, registering the time. I usually can’t help breaking out in a smile when I see the photo of Jesi and Kari on my lock screen. Both girls dressed in pink and smiling at me. But I was feeling so lousy that morning I didn’t smile back. My eyes wandered blankly toward Jesi’s face. It glowed with the kind of light which comes from within, a light I now understand originates in the soul. As I watched it, expecting the screen to go black, the way it always does to save the battery, Jesi kept smiling at me. Her eyes bore into mine, transmitting all the love I knew she held for me and I know she still does. I sat there, my head bowed in pain, watching the digital readout of the time shift from minute to minute. The screen did not go black. I sat there staring at Jesi’s smiling eyes and her soft lips until I had been looking at it for eleven minutes. Then it finally went black.
I have had a couple of other signs from Jesi over the past two weeks.
First it was the flickering lights in the bathroom. In retrospect I think she had been making the lights flicker on and off for months, only I had not picked up on it until recently. But as soon as I started questioning that it was her (I learnt in the mediumship workshop with James Van Praagh that flickering lights are a common sign from the Spirit world … see blog post A Message from Jesi) it stopped. A few days later, to take its place, the word Jesi would appear momentarily in the top corner of my inbox when I opened my email on my computer. It was as if Jesi was the sender of an email I had received. When I told Kari of my suspicions and we smiled at each other knowingly, it stopped. Just as I knew it would.
Now, I am awaiting the next prank that my playful Spirit child will bestow on me. Though I know that until I stop expecting it, it won’t happen!