When I started this blog, it was just after Jesi relapsed with Leukemia in January 2014. I hoped I would chronicle her treatments and ultimately, after a bone marrow transplant, her recovery.
Things don’t always go as we hope or plan.
There were times over the summer when I feared the worst. Sometimes I would be in the middle of Walden Pond, my spiritual practice, visualizing the face of the Buddha in the light, the sun glinting above the water. Suddenly, next to the Buddha’s face, was Jesi’s. Fear would overcome me, and in the middle of one hundred feet of water that is the last thing you want to take hold. But I have trained myself to swim, keep swimming through my fears, and so this training told me to come back to the present moment, realize Jesi had not been taken, but was in a hospital room being cared for my the best doctors in the world, and so I would take hold of the rhythm of my breath, and stay with it and the truth that I knew, that Jesi was safe.
Then I had to let go of even that.
On 9/11 we had to let go of Jesi. Allow her to be free of the suffering that she didn’t deserve. And somehow come to terms, learn how to live with her no longer being with us.
Despite my spiritual practice, it is not easy. Every day I think of her. Every day I talk to her. See her in perhaps in the drift of white light as it floats past my leg, the rush of air as it blows in the porch door. These are feelings I have that are distinct from my wanting of her presence in that way in which we shared our lives before she left. These are times when I am unaware of my want. When I can answer the wind, the light, with “oh, that was Jesi.”
So now that Jesi is not going to recover in the way that I had envisaged, what more is this blog to do?
It is us who are left who must recover. And for each of us that means something different. For me, it is a day by day and I’m not sure exactly how, but somehow, learning to go forward, grow older, while Jesi will always in my mind be sixteen.
I’m not yet sure how that will work, but I know it will mean writing. And that is where Relapse to Recovery becomes Relapse, Release and Our Recovery.
So come on the journey with me, and we will see where we will end up!